Symptoms: the Roadmap to Self Discovery

Symptoms a Roadmap to self discoveryThe man came into my office and told me he was here to be “fixed”. He told me he had an anger problem and needed someone to help him get rid of it.

When I inquired why he felt his anger was such a problem, he said that his wife and family did not like that he was angry all the time, and that the way he expressed his anger scared them.

The man talked about feeling that his needs were fulfilled after everyone else’s in the family. He had elderly parents who required a lot of time and care. He had a demanding job in healthcare and suffered from serious back problems, which caused him pain most of the time.

No wonder he acted angry all the time! I suggested that perhaps he had feelings that were hiding under the anger, hurt and sadness. He was surprised by that idea. It had never occurred to him that he might be feeling any emotion other than anger.

The Symptom 

The anger was the symptom of a larger problem. As long as he was focused on the anger, he was unable to see the real problem. We discovered through our work together that he came from a family where needs were not recognized, feelings were condemned, and the purpose of life was to suffer and take care of others.

The anger was a signpost to a deeper issue.

Today’s Trend

In this day of quick fixes, there is pressure to find rapid, efficient and painless solutions. It is assumed that there is a clear-cut problem that can be eradicated in a matter of weeks. Progress is measured by how quickly you feel better and how soon the symptoms clear up.

In general, therapy does not work that way. Therapy is a journey where we  create a space in our lives. In this space, we can begin to hear ourselves tell our story and begin to recognize and confront the self-deceptions that limit our lives. This will lead us to greater choices.

The Song of Symptoms

His symptom can be compared to the “Sirens’ Song” in Homer’s Odyssey. The Sirens sang an enchanted song that distracted the sailors and caused them to steer toward the rocks, crash their ships, and sink.

In the “song of the symptoms,” we are led to focus on the symptoms as the problem and crash on the rocks of resistance. We miss the fact that the symptom is the road map directing the journey to the deeper pain.

The Beginnings

Pain from previous experience turns into the symptom that you now want to treat.  Because the pain occurred at an early age before you could process it, there is a part of you that resents having to deal with the pain. That part believes it is not necessary to do the hard work of healing the past.

The symptoms served a purpose and, like the Harsh Inner Critic helped you to survive. To rip them away without creating something positive in their place is like taking oxygen away. To try to simply remove a symptom will create an internal power struggle and cause resistance.

 Therapy and SELF-DISCOVERY are a 4 part process.
  1. Become fully aware of the roadmap. Why are the symptoms in your life?
  2. Understand their purpose.  What are the symptoms trying to tell you? What is the information behind the symptom?
  3. Grieve your losses, wounds, and pain.
  4. Create a new road map and find your true self.

Therapy is a cooperative effort between you and your therapist. Unlike surgery, where the doctor is the expert and you are a passive patient in the process, therapy is a two-way street. You are the expert about you and your experience, and the therapist is the trained guide to help you on the journey.

The man who wanted to work on his anger began to see that he had only been telling himself part of his own story: he knew he was angry, but there was more to learn. He was also very hurt by the demands of his life and the treatment he received. As he recognized his self-deception, he was able to start taking better care of himself and not put himself last. He talked to the people in his life and began to make changes in his relationships. He learned that it was human to have needs and that it is important to take care of himself and his needs.

Symptoms are the starting point, not the destination.

Have you identified a symptom you want to work through, but don’t know how? Let me help you find the information about yourself that will lead you to a new destination.  Call me at (919) 881-2001.

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