What Does Love Have to do With it?

In last week’s blog,  we talked about  memories, feelings or thoughts from the past being activated in present experiences and relationships. When this happens, we will feel and think in ways that are influenced by previous events. This dynamic  can be seen in romantic relationships

You meet someone and from the first moment, they feel just right. They seem to know what you are thinking before you speak. You have shared interests and similar backgrounds. You feel comfortable with him or her from the beginning  and feel comfortable telling them anything.

Fast forward six months, a year, even ten years, and that same person has become someone whom you both love and hate. It’s as if you can’t live with him or her, yet you can’t live without that person either.  He or she irritates you almost every time they speak.  You don’t feel that person understands you any longer and you sure don’t understand him or her.

The meaningful talk has stopped. You do small talk, you argue, or you don’t talk at all.

You wonder what happened in the relationship; did the other person change or did you?

WHAT HAPPENED?

The answer is far more complicated than that. It is a real possibility that neither of you changed. What has probably happened is that you are seeing more of one another. Spending more time together allows you to see what is inside of each of you.

In last week’s article, I talked about the neurological pathways in your brain that were developed when you were a child. They continue to develop and be reinforced as an adult. These pathways tell you what to expect from others and from life. They inform you how you need to respond in any given situation. These pathways, many of which are unconscious, are being activated in the context of your relationship.

Why Now

You might wonder why this happens so far into a relationship and not when you first meet.

There is a very interesting phenomenon that can occur between some people when they meet. Certain pathways get activated and that contributes to the attraction and love they feel. These patterns of attraction and behavior are so strong that you only see the current interaction through the lens created by your previous experience.

If you do see things that you do not like, because of these old messages and the feeling that are evoked, you can explain it away or tell yourself it does not really matter. You convince yourself that what you dislike isn’t very important because the good things are so good.

Blind to Reality

When Jane and John met, their relationship was all love and passion. Everyone who knew them thought they were the greatest couple ever, a perfect match.

While on vacation during the first few months of their relationship, John overdrew his account because of careless spending. He had several overdraft charges and was quite upset.

She was very sympathetic and reassuring.   An hour later, when the heated emotions had calmed, she realized that his behavior would be unacceptable to her if they were married. She told him so.

They did get married, and while his spending behavior improved, it still was not what she expected in a partner. Finally, several years into the marriage, she became very upset about his spending patterns. What she realized is that she was aware of the problem from the beginning, but had explained away his behavior because everything else was so wonderful.

What could she have done to stop herself from explaining away this behavior? When you are in this place of passionate love it is hard to be realistic. You are overwhelmed by new emotion and old behavior.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself In a New Relationship

Here are a few suggestions that might help:

1. Talk to friends about your relationship. The more intense the love, the more you need to talk.

2. Do not hide things that are upsetting to you. Talk honestly and frankly about your concerns.

3. Assume the behavior you do not like is going to continue.  Ask yourself how you will feel when your life is joined with theirs.

4. Do their values blend with yours?

5. Look at the patterns in the relationship. Do they remind you of anything in your past? If so, what and with whom?

6. Before you take serious steps to join your lives together, sit down together and make a budget.  Money isn’t the only sticking point when couples join their lives, but it is a frequent one.  Talk about expectations both for the present and in the years to come.

Having a clear picture of yourself and your partner is hard to do.  If you need help getting clarity, I can listen and help you listen to yourself.  Call me at:(919)-881-2001