I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope, I’ll be your love, be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful ’cause I’m counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning.

 

The Romance

The lyrics to Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden describe how many relationships begin. A dream comes true. You meet the right person, and you feel hope that this is a new beginning with someone who will fulfill all your needs and love you faithfully and deeply, forever.

This stage can last anywhere from a day to years, and maybe for some forever- but usually not. However long it lasts, it is one of the best feelings in life. This is the romance stage and is necessary for a relationship to begin and last.

From here, it gets complicated. This is only the beginning for a long-term relationship.

The Disturbance

Today I got so mad at you, yeah
It’s like I couldn’t control myself
Girl, I was done, I was so through with you
But I know I couldn’t love nobody else

“Roller Coaster” by Toni Braxton (feat. Babyface)

There is a moment when you realize that everything is not as promised. What seemed perfect has a disturbance. Perhaps your love was late or unavailable, didn’t have time for you or said something insensitive and hurt you. You discovered that you are not their number one priority. The bliss is tainted.

The Denial: It is Love!

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me

Denial sets in. You get deeper into the relationship and more emotionally invested. You explain away what happened. He didn’t mean it. She really couldn’t help it, it’s all about circumstances. Surely you misunderstood what was meant. Nevertheless, all is well in paradise again and the bliss can continue.

The High

When love is like a roller coaster
Always up and down
When love takes over, your emotions spin you round and round

When we have a romantic encounter, it changes the chemicals in our brain. It stimulates the pleasure sensors. It feels good and we never want it to stop. We believe it will not stop…..this time.

When it becomes clear that the first bliss is gone we are not in our “right” minds. We have a hard time seeing reality and have a hard time believing the situation is real.

When you are caught in this phase of the relationship, you are under the influence of brain chemicals and the “high” of a new relationship. You are not in your thinking brain. You are not reasoning clearly and cannot see reality.

The person you are with is showing you who they are and all you see is the person they were when you met them. It is almost impossible to make good decisions.

Beware. You have forgotten yourself and your needs.

 The Chase

Well, you’ve started it first
You said we’d make it work
But here we are, going through changes
But I need you, can’t stand you
I don’t want you, but damn you
Back and forth, and back
What should we do?

 The chase begins and all you can feel is your desire for things to be like they were in the beginning.

You reinterpreted the evidence; you believe it is temporary.

You tell yourself, “when they get over what is bothering them,” it will be like it was.

You miss cues both internal and external.

Chasing the High

There is a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous, “you are chasing the high.” There, it means the high that goes with alcohol and drug use, but the high that comes from romantic encounters can be just as blinding. The high only lasts so long before it begins to be a problem and hurts you.

The high is not what will make your life fulfilling.

At this stage of a relationship, you are chasing the high and have forgotten yourself.

Reality

Finally, the moment comes when the magic dies. The implicit and explicit promises made in the beginning are not kept, and cannot be kept. You are not standing on a mountain and it feels like the sky has fallen.

This does not mean that the relationship must end. This, however, is a very good moment to assess whether it should continue. It does not mean that the relationship is a bad one. It is, however, a very good moment to determine if the relationship is one that you need.

Bottom line, as long as you are in the altered state of consciousness, you will have a hard time knowing reality.

What next?

Listen to yourself. You know what to do when you step back from the situation, but sometimes it takes talking it through with a trusted friend of family member to hear your own messages. I’m also available to listen. Call me ( 919)881-2001.