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Templates Part Two: What You See is Not What You Get

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In the last post, we started talking about templates and how they can run our lives. Templates rarely work alone; often they work in pairs or more, controlling our lives at multiple levels at once.

For example, a man came to therapy because he could not find a partner. Dating relationships began well, but ended in disappointment. No one worked out for him. The first template we found was one that sent him in constant pursuit of unsuccessful relationships. As we continued to look at his actions, we uncovered a deep-seated fear of closeness. The second-layer template was what I call, “running from Ms. Right.” When he would enter a relationship and begin to get close to another person, he would find things which disappointed him, or he would become be a disappointment himself. The top template says “I want love and closeness in my life.” The hidden template – the controlling template – says, “Closeness is dangerous. If you let anyone in, you will be hurt.”

Another example can be found in the case of a woman in a new relationship. As it progresses, she finds the man not available enough, and she begins to talk about leaving. In a threatening tone she says, “I can cut this off and never look back”. Her hidden template said “men always leave.” She had a deep fear of being abandoned, and had unconsciously adopted the motto, “leave before being left.”

These examples show that templates can be very tricky, because what you see is not what you get. The top template exists to hide the deeper template. While they work together to protect us, we live by both templates without knowing what motivates our behavior. When the man in our example felt lonely, the top template motivated him to seek out a partner. When he began to feel close to that person, the second template activates to protect him from emotional pain. This pairing of templates works such that he will always be with the wrong person, either because he chooses poorly, or because he sabotages the relationships with promise.

What do we do with these tricky templates and the messages they give us? One of the best starting points is to listen to yourself. Start questioning your role in creating the life you have, and creating the messes in which you may find yourself. Are you having the same experience over and over again? Then that part of your life is likely being run by a template

Sorting your templates is a complicated process. It is possible to do this with the help of trusted friends and loved ones; however, it will not be easy. A mindful lifestyle and journaling will contribute to this process. Many times, the help of a professional will be needed. I have worked with many people to learn about their templates and helped them begin to live consciously. Call me at: 919-881-2001, if you would like some help.

Living on Auto-Pilot

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We all have templates by which we live. A template is a way of looking at our experiences through which we give meaning to our lives. When you ponder the meaning of an event or something someone said to you, life’s templates emerge. These templates are largely hidden from ourselves. Like the title of the TV show “Hidden in Plain Sight,” they operate in our daily lives without our noticing.

They play a very important role. First, they tell us how to behave. There is not enough time to decide how to act in every moment of our lives. We adapt by living much of life on auto-pilot. We start developing the settings on our templates at birth, and learn from our parents in our formative years. Children whose needs are not adequately met are more likely to develop a harsh or strict view of the world. In families where a child’s basic needs are met adequately, they have an opportunity to explore the middle ground. Their templates will be less rigid and less harsh.

The second purpose of a template is self-preservation. Children in all types of families need to learn at a very early age that life can be dangerous. It is important to be able to take action to take care of ourselves. Unfortunately, some children grow up in families that are dangerous or neglectful. They develop templates that lean toward a more extreme view that the world is never safe.

When templates are used too quickly, many times the meaning that is assigned to an event or interaction does not fit the current situation.

For example: two men walk into a party together. One has a template that says, “I am here to meet people. The people here are friendly, they want to meet me and I want to meet them.” If that person is not successful at striking up one conversation, his template tells him to try again with another party-goer. Person A will soon find himself engaging in interesting conversation.

The other man who enters the party – we’ll call him Person B – has a template that says people are not safe. If he is not successful at striking up a conversation, he will assume that it is personal and that he is not wanted at this party. His experience of the party will be painful and unpleasant.

These men exhibit two very different views of the world and have two very different templates by which they make sense of their experiences. These men will be drawn to different kinds of people and experiences.

This is only one example of the many ways we can see the influence of templates in our lives. We often have multiple layers of templates operating simultaneously, and can actually prevent you from reaching your goals. The next blog post will take a closer look at how these templates work together, and how you can change your auto-pilot.

Did you feel like Person A or Person B? If you want to change the way you perceive a party, call Katherine @ (919) 881-2001.

Where Love Fits In: “The Theory of Everything”

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The “Theory of Everything” tells the story of theoretical physicist Steven Hawking and his wife, Jane. At the age of 21, he was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s Disease and given two years to live. He is now 72 years old. The movie tells the story of two dedicated people working to extend his life far beyond what was considered possible. It is a story that presents us with the question, “What is love?”

Their relationship began shortly before he was diagnosed. What started as a relationship filled with excitement and wonder quickly turned into a 25-year struggle for productivity and survival. Jane never gave up hope for Steven, even at a time when a doctor suggested taking him off a ventilator. “Steven must live,” was her statement, and he did. She devoted years to keeping him alive and working, at the expense of her own career and ambitions; even when she was overwhelmed, depressed and angry.

As the disease progresses, you watch as Steven becomes physically handicapped in almost every way. He went from walking with a cane, to using a wheelchair. He could not use his hands to write; eventually, he could not even speak. When he would become discouraged, Jane was by his side, there to help him fight in order to continue his life’s work.

Steven and Jane have an amazing story to tell. Once you look past the extraordinary circumstances, however, you can also clearly see the stages of love (romance, disillusionment and acceptance) that we all experience in our own lives.

It began with romance, passion and excitement. They were happy to be with one another, no matter what the cost. We see this as Steven takes Jane to the May Ball, charms her with unique stories, and agrees to dance even though he doesn’t know how. The evening ends with a fireworks display that is nothing short of magic. She is entranced; he is enthralled.

They create a life together. His disease progresses, they have children, Jane works toward her Ph.D. Romance has ended and disillusionment sets in. Life is no longer what Jane dreamed, grief sets in along with all it brings: depression, anger, denial, and bargaining. This is the point where many relations fail, without the romance the grief overwhelms and the relationship is ended.

Jane decides to stay despite the hardship, and fights for Steven, his life and their relationship. She enters the stage of acceptance. Her romantic dream is dead. Together she and Steven, with the support of a team of others, accomplish truly great things. They raise three children together, and Jane finishes her Ph.D. while Steven lives to continue his work, which receives international acclaim.

In the course of their lives together, both Steven and Jane have choices to make. Jane chooses to stay; however, after 25 years together, Steven chooses otherwise. In the end, he leaves Jane.

An impactful movie that sticks with us as we leave the theater and makes us think about something we experienced as we watched. Their story raises the question, “Was love not enough to keep them together, or did love make those 25 years possible?” Could you even argue that love saved his life?

If you enjoy questions like this, look forward to February. That’s when I’ll reflect on love as it is presented in the media versus what we experience in real life. If you would like to explore the role “love” is playing in your life, I can help you. Call me at: 919-881-2001.

Lessons in Trust From Maya Angelou

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In May of this year Maya Angelou died at the age of 86. She was a wise and respected woman, who grew beyond her abusive childhood and used her early experiences to help others.

At 16, she became the first black female streetcar conductor in San Francisco. Over the next 24 years, she worked as a calypso singer, waitress, dancer, actress, prostitute, and a madam. She began her journey to become the woman most of us knew – the writer, poet, and speaker at President Clinton’s inauguration – when she wrote her first book I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings at the age of 40 .

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No Means No: Now How Do I Say It?

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Finding it hard to say, “No” is a common problem. People are afraid that they will hurt, disappoint, or anger someone when they say, “No”. We underestimate the value to ourselves of saying no, while overestimating the person reaction to whom we say “no”. A number of factors are often left out of the equation, including how you feel, or the personal costs in emotion, time, and stress, just to name a few.

A common reason that we do not say, “No” is because we believe it would be selfish to do so.

One definition of selfish is to be concerned with yourself. The other definition is to be overly concerned with yourself without consideration for others.

You need to be selfish to take care of yourself. Without self-care there will be very little of you to give to others. Times when you don’t care about others and only care about yourself  selfish does become a negative.

As you are learning to say no, there is something else to keep in mind. People are not wrong in asking you for your time or your help, just as you are not wrong in saying no.

A few pointers as you learn to say, “no”:

1. A simple and polite “no” is sufficient:

You are not required to explain yourself when saying no. Be clear and firm. This is “no,”not “maybe”.

2. Not responding to the question at all is an answer as well, and it sends its own message:

Often, this behavior comes across as rude, and it is a surefire way to make people angry.

3. If you need time to build your confidence to say, “No,” respond with “let me think about this”:

If you respond in this way, it is important to get back to the person with your decision as quickly as you are able.

4. If an explanation would be helpful, make it brief: 

“ I am very busy at this moment” is a sufficient answer.

5.If you have the time and simply do not want to do what is being asked, you are not available:

“I am not available” is a simple, truthful response.

6. At times when your answer is “no,” THere might be something you can give:

Offer alternatives – suggest another source of help, or a compromise that also fits with your needs. For example, “ I cannot help you all day Saturday, but I am available on Sunday from 1:00 to 3:00.”

Learning to say no takes time, practice and support. At first, you may have really difficult feelings; however as you begin to say, “No,” it will become easier. You will gain confidence in your ability to make wise decisions for yourself. “No” will become a valuable word in your vocabulary.

If you want more support in learning how to say “no”, call me at 919-881-2001.