Tag: no

7 Behaviors That Hurt You and Your Relationships, and 5 Questions to Help You Improve

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7 behaviors that hurt you and your relationships, and 5 questions to help you improveDo you find yourself feeling taken for granted in your relationships?

Do you feel like you are the one who gives more and receives less?

Do you feel unsure of how important you are to your friends, family

and lovers? Unconsciously, you may be teaching people to treat

you in a careless way by your behaviors.

John once again was feeling as if no one cared about what he needed or wanted. He and his wife had just returned from a much-needed vacation. They agreed that she would make most of the arrangements for the trip. He thought he was very clear that he did not want to go on any long guided trips. On the first day of the trip, however, John learned his first activity was an all-day guided bus tour on a bus with a lot of people. Continue reading →

6 Questions to ask if you are unsure about your relationship

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6 Questions to ask yourself if unsure about relationship“Relationships seek to obtain: Level flight, nice buzz, floating down the river, hitting rapids, “wee that was fun,” return to level flight.” Margaret Martin

 How do I know when it is right? Am I settling? What if I am making a mistake? These are common questions to ask yourself after the romance cools. These are extremely hard questions to answer because, let’s face it, there is always someone better. After the initial rush is gone, there is always another exciting romance to be had. No matter what your age, there is always someone else who can give you that initial high.

Are you asking the right questions?

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No Means No: Now How Do I Say It?

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Finding it hard to say, “No” is a common problem. People are afraid that they will hurt, disappoint, or anger someone when they say, “No”. We underestimate the value to ourselves of saying no, while overestimating the person reaction to whom we say “no”. A number of factors are often left out of the equation, including how you feel, or the personal costs in emotion, time, and stress, just to name a few.

A common reason that we do not say, “No” is because we believe it would be selfish to do so.

One definition of selfish is to be concerned with yourself. The other definition is to be overly concerned with yourself without consideration for others.

You need to be selfish to take care of yourself. Without self-care there will be very little of you to give to others. Times when you don’t care about others and only care about yourself  selfish does become a negative.

As you are learning to say no, there is something else to keep in mind. People are not wrong in asking you for your time or your help, just as you are not wrong in saying no.

A few pointers as you learn to say, “no”:

1. A simple and polite “no” is sufficient:

You are not required to explain yourself when saying no. Be clear and firm. This is “no,”not “maybe”.

2. Not responding to the question at all is an answer as well, and it sends its own message:

Often, this behavior comes across as rude, and it is a surefire way to make people angry.

3. If you need time to build your confidence to say, “No,” respond with “let me think about this”:

If you respond in this way, it is important to get back to the person with your decision as quickly as you are able.

4. If an explanation would be helpful, make it brief: 

“ I am very busy at this moment” is a sufficient answer.

5.If you have the time and simply do not want to do what is being asked, you are not available:

“I am not available” is a simple, truthful response.

6. At times when your answer is “no,” THere might be something you can give:

Offer alternatives – suggest another source of help, or a compromise that also fits with your needs. For example, “ I cannot help you all day Saturday, but I am available on Sunday from 1:00 to 3:00.”

Learning to say no takes time, practice and support. At first, you may have really difficult feelings; however as you begin to say, “No,” it will become easier. You will gain confidence in your ability to make wise decisions for yourself. “No” will become a valuable word in your vocabulary.

If you want more support in learning how to say “no”, call me at 919-881-2001.

No, Nope, Nada: Is no a Bad Word?

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“No” is an important and powerful word. Its primary uses are for protection and self-care. Adults are quick to use it to protect a child, but many people don’t know how to use it to protect themselves and their relationships.

Many people are taught that they must say “Yes” and that “No” is not an acceptable answer to anything. They do not learn the essential skills of knowing when and how to say “no.

Think about this scenario for a moment: A young woman and I were talking, and she said “I say yes (to things) because I feel like an asshole if I say no. Then I go and do it, and I don’t want to be there. I think about the things I want to be doing instead. Then I feel like a bad friend because I am having these negative thoughts and feelings.”

By saying yes when she wanted to say no, she gives her Harsh Inner Critic an opportunity to criticize her. The situation becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when her unhappiness shows in her behavior and she judges herself as being an asshole or a bad friend.

When you allow yourself to say “No,” you have an opportunity to grow. You can feel strong, and proud of the way you are taking care of yourself. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to determine whether the right answer in your situation, is “no”:

1.”How am I feeling?” A good way to determine whether to say yes or no is how you feel when you are asked. Do you feel happy and excited, or stressed and angry?

2.”Am I saying yes because I feel obligated, guilty, afraid?”

3.”What will I be sacrificing to say yes?” Do I have the time available to do what is being asked of me?

4.What will I have to give up that I want to do? Would saying yes cause me to feel deprived?

5.”What are the consequences of saying no?”

6.”If I say yes, will I end up creating distance in the relationship?” When you are feeling grumpy or angry, not only will you distance yourself, the other person will feel your unexpressed emotions and will also withdraw, perhaps without realizing it. For example: “The other night my sister and I were going to go out and have fun. I told my boyfriend and he wanted me to join him and his friends. I felt caught between two people I love. When I told my sister she got mad. I ended up staying home because I felt so bad and mad. I couldn’t please anyone, not even myself.”

7.Is there a way to say yes and feel good about it? Would it be possible to limit the time spend fulfilling the request?

As you think through these questions, the answers that are best for you often become clear. Also, you can try writing the answers down and discussing them with a close friend for added clarity. If not, make the best choice you can and be gentle with yourself as you grow.

Next week, we will talk about different ways to say “no.”