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The Harsh Inner Critic

Harsh Inner CriticHave you ever wondered why one criticism or piece of feedback will wipe out ten compliments? That happens because of the Harsh Inner Critic.

Children who grow up with adequate parents are able to develop into their individual selves. When the parenting is inadequate, the children then decide they are “bad in a good world,” and work to be like the parent/ caretaker. They come to believe that their basic needs have caused the problems in their worlds. They are convinced their needs are bad. A harsh inner critic develops.

Insecure Attachment

An insecure attachment is created between the caretaker and the child. This is an attachment where the child cannot depend upon the parent. A child needs a trustworthy and dependable parent/caretaker in order to thrive.

The Internal Parent

Because the human psyche is so creative and flexible, the baby can create a solution; he or she develops an internal parent (the Harsh Inner Critic) who is always with them, constant and dependable. Unfortunately, because the baby has decided he or she is bad and a problem to be fixed, this internal parent is harsh, critical and never satisfied. This internal parent always knows what to do and freely tells the child what to do, often far into adulthood. This usually involves telling the child how bad they are, and how much they need to change.

The Harsh Inner Critic

The Harsh Inner Critic is focused on the external world with no regard for the needs of the child. If the child does have needs, the Harsh Inner Critic calls the child a failure. Therefore, the child comes to believe that he or she should never require help satisfying basic human needs, because to do so is “bad.”

Critical Help

The Harsh Inner Critic, with all its demands and negative messages, becomes the child’s defense against feeling helpless, vulnerable, and hopeless. No matter how bad these messages feel, there is always a solution. The internal parent tells the child that the answers to these feelings are to develop a way of life that requires no outside help. This scenario sets the stage for the internal drama triangle to begin.
If you feel you are struggling with a Harsh Inner Critic, call me at:919-881-2001. Together we can find a way to help you with these messages.

MALEFICENT: Not Your Typical Sleeping Beauty Story

Not your typical Sleeping Beauty

Not your typical Sleeping Beauty

The first known version of Sleeping Beauty was written in the 1300s. Walt Disney’s animated version brought the story to the general public in the 1950s, introducing us to the princess, Aurora, and the evil fairy, Maleficent. The movie Maleficent reinvents the classic tale by giving Maleficent a history. She is not simply a slighted fairy but a woman betrayed, robbed, and brokenhearted. It is the story of what drives her to the dark side; a story of love turned to bitterness, hatred, and revenge.

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Better to be Bad in a Good World Than Good in a Bad World

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Current cinema is flooded with movies about the “end of the world.” A catastrophic event occurs, the world as we know it is destroyed, and there a few “good” survivors left to face the “bad” faction who brought about the situation. This establishes a terrifying scenario in which the few people who are left must hide and struggle to survive, facing deprivation and helplessness. The world they now live in is, at best, empty of resources and, at worst, hostile. Every day they must fight for their survival. They live with hopelessness and the very real possibility of annihilation.

This is an accurate metaphor for the experience of people who received inadequate parenting. Inadequate parenting can range from benign neglect (parents who wanted to care for their children, but for one reason or another were not capable), to outright abusive. Because a child depends upon the parent to survive, it is intolerable for him/her to know the parent is inadequate. It would
mean the child would not survive. Just like the survivors in the apocalypse movies, the child would be faced with certain annihilation.

In order to survive, the child interprets the parent’s inadequacies as being his or her fault, which makes that child view him or herself as “bad.” The annihilation anxiety turns into feelings of guilt because the child is “bad” for causing the parent discomfort. The child feels burdensome and inconvenient due to having normal human needs and wants.

From this guilt, internal messages and beliefs develop to help the child survive. Normal human need for love, nurture and caring-contact are labeled as “bad.” From this experience negative messages develop about who the child is. Messages in the child’s mind could take such forms as, “I am wrong, not good enough, lazy, and stupid, unlovable; I don’t deserve to be happy or successful.”

We carry these messages with us into adulthood, which is far past their usefulness. Those thoughts define who we are, and tell us that our motivations and actions are bad. We carry inside of us intense internal criticisms that are so old and deeply ingrained that we no longer consciously hear the critical voice, yet still act upon the messages it sends.

Together in therapy, we will deconstruct these internal beliefs so you can move forward in life and begin to feel better. Our first job is to help you hear your internal dialogue. As we discover more about you, we will come to understand these beliefs and how they developed. Eventually, you will learn to stand up to these self-criticisms and create new, more positive messages.

The Importance of the First Phone Call

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It may not seem like much is happening when you make your first phone call as you are searching for a therapist, but it is actually a very important step toward feeling better. Of course, without that first call you cannot start therapy, but it is deeper than that. It is a step to empower yourself, one of the most important parts of the process of moving toward a more satisfying life. In the midst of your struggles you have the strength and courage to take action. You are admitting to yourself that you need help and acknowledge there is help to be had. Admitting or asking for help may feel like an action of desperation, which is even more reason to see it as an act of strength and hope.

In the initial conversation, even if it is only to book an appointment, you will learn about the person to whom you are talking. You will be able to tell if this is a person you want to talk to by
the tone of their voice and the way they talk to you.

If you need to ask questions, you will make some conscious and unconscious evaluations. Do you like his or her voice? Do they sound interested in what you are saying. Does it feel like they
have time or will make some time to listen to you in an attentive manner?

Therapy does not begin at this point, but a caring connection can begin. When you get off the phone do you feel you have talked to someone who is professional and warm at the same time? This first call can set the stage for what working with this person will be like.

When I have first contact with you on the phone, I will ask you if you have any questions. If you chose to have a free 15 minute consultation, I will ask you to briefly describe what brings you to
therapy at this time in your life. As you describe what is troubling you I can get a better idea if I am good fit for you and your situation, and you will get an idea if I might be a good fit for you.

What seems like a simple phone call to get information and make an appointment is filled with important information and experiences. Take the first step and reach out.

How Does Therapy Work…..How I Work?

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Psychotherapy is both simple and complicated. In its simplest form you come into the therapist’s office talk about the people and events that are important to you, and the therapist makes comments. Through this process of “talking” you begin to go deeper into yourself. As children we are taught many things about ourselves and the world. We learn these things before we are old enough to “vote.” We may not be fully aware of our own beliefs.

Many of these ideas and beliefs are secrets from ourselves, hidden in our memories. We have feelings we do not understand and cannot control. We act in ways that surprise us. We find it difficult to behave differently even when we want to.

Through this simple process of talk therapy, you can begin to hear yourself. As you hear your internal dialogue you will also hear the ways you speak to yourself and about yourself. It is an opportunity to say out loud all the thoughts you have hidden from yourself and others. The complicated aspect of therapy is the relationship with the therapist.

The most important ingredient in making therapy work is choosing the right therapist. This person needs to be warm, interested and curious about you. It is your ability to connect with this person and to believe he/she can help you that brings about change. As an experienced therapist, once you feel connected and comfortable, I can help you begin to have a better understanding of why you think, feel and act the way you do. As you begin to better know and understand yourself, we can build resources so you can begin to take action. We will work on how to use these resources and strength to take action in your life.

My method is grounded in two operating principles. The first, and most important, is to help you feel that you are safe from criticism and judgment. When you feel safe, we will go on a journey of self-discovery where you can have a greater acceptance of yourself. The second principle is that of self-awareness – as you become more aware of what is going on inside of you and in your life, you can develop the ability to change. We will begin to identify the patterns in your life that bring you conflict and unhappiness. This sense of understanding will begin to (re)build your internal strength.

We will work on how to use these resources and strength to take action in your life. I will provide support so that you can move forward, in a manner and pace which fits your needs. And together we will find new ways for you to relate to yourself and others so that you can create a happier more productive life.