Disappointment is a difficult emotion. It can step in and ruin any experience. You are having a good day, something happens where your expectations are not met, and boom! Disappointment sets in, and the experience is ruined.
Tag: addiction
No, Nope, Nada: Is no a Bad Word?
“No” is an important and powerful word. Its primary uses are for protection and self-care. Adults are quick to use it to protect a child, but many people don’t know how to use it to protect themselves and their relationships.
Many people are taught that they must say “Yes” and that “No” is not an acceptable answer to anything. They do not learn the essential skills of knowing when and how to say “no.
Think about this scenario for a moment: A young woman and I were talking, and she said “I say yes (to things) because I feel like an asshole if I say no. Then I go and do it, and I don’t want to be there. I think about the things I want to be doing instead. Then I feel like a bad friend because I am having these negative thoughts and feelings.”
By saying yes when she wanted to say no, she gives her Harsh Inner Critic an opportunity to criticize her. The situation becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when her unhappiness shows in her behavior and she judges herself as being an asshole or a bad friend.
When you allow yourself to say “No,” you have an opportunity to grow. You can feel strong, and proud of the way you are taking care of yourself. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to determine whether the right answer in your situation, is “no”:
1.”How am I feeling?” A good way to determine whether to say yes or no is how you feel when you are asked. Do you feel happy and excited, or stressed and angry?
2.”Am I saying yes because I feel obligated, guilty, afraid?”
3.”What will I be sacrificing to say yes?” Do I have the time available to do what is being asked of me?
4.What will I have to give up that I want to do? Would saying yes cause me to feel deprived?
5.”What are the consequences of saying no?”
6.”If I say yes, will I end up creating distance in the relationship?” When you are feeling grumpy or angry, not only will you distance yourself, the other person will feel your unexpressed emotions and will also withdraw, perhaps without realizing it. For example: “The other night my sister and I were going to go out and have fun. I told my boyfriend and he wanted me to join him and his friends. I felt caught between two people I love. When I told my sister she got mad. I ended up staying home because I felt so bad and mad. I couldn’t please anyone, not even myself.”
7.Is there a way to say yes and feel good about it? Would it be possible to limit the time spend fulfilling the request?
As you think through these questions, the answers that are best for you often become clear. Also, you can try writing the answers down and discussing them with a close friend for added clarity. If not, make the best choice you can and be gentle with yourself as you grow.
Next week, we will talk about different ways to say “no.”
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The Importance of the First Phone Call
It may not seem like much is happening when you make your first phone call as you are searching for a therapist, but it is actually a very important step toward feeling better. Of course, without that first call you cannot start therapy, but it is deeper than that. It is a step to empower yourself, one of the most important parts of the process of moving toward a more satisfying life. In the midst of your struggles you have the strength and courage to take action. You are admitting to yourself that you need help and acknowledge there is help to be had. Admitting or asking for help may feel like an action of desperation, which is even more reason to see it as an act of strength and hope.
In the initial conversation, even if it is only to book an appointment, you will learn about the person to whom you are talking. You will be able to tell if this is a person you want to talk to by
the tone of their voice and the way they talk to you.
If you need to ask questions, you will make some conscious and unconscious evaluations. Do you like his or her voice? Do they sound interested in what you are saying. Does it feel like they
have time or will make some time to listen to you in an attentive manner?
Therapy does not begin at this point, but a caring connection can begin. When you get off the phone do you feel you have talked to someone who is professional and warm at the same time? This first call can set the stage for what working with this person will be like.
When I have first contact with you on the phone, I will ask you if you have any questions. If you chose to have a free 15 minute consultation, I will ask you to briefly describe what brings you to
therapy at this time in your life. As you describe what is troubling you I can get a better idea if I am good fit for you and your situation, and you will get an idea if I might be a good fit for you.
What seems like a simple phone call to get information and make an appointment is filled with important information and experiences. Take the first step and reach out.