Tag: Self Respect

Lessons in Trust From Maya Angelou

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In May of this year Maya Angelou died at the age of 86. She was a wise and respected woman, who grew beyond her abusive childhood and used her early experiences to help others.

At 16, she became the first black female streetcar conductor in San Francisco. Over the next 24 years, she worked as a calypso singer, waitress, dancer, actress, prostitute, and a madam. She began her journey to become the woman most of us knew – the writer, poet, and speaker at President Clinton’s inauguration – when she wrote her first book I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings at the age of 40 .

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All I Want for Christmas Is for Christmas to Be Over!

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Once again, the holiday season is upon us. It comes every year, whether we like it or not. Many people find it fun and exciting – they get into the holiday spirit, and are sad when it is over.

Then, there are people who dread the holidays. Everything about the season is torturous, from Christmas music in the stores to family meals, or perhaps the lack of a family. It’s no exaggeration – people who dread the holidays can become depressed, anxious and even angry. As Sarah Vine wrote, “Christmas is like childbirth: magical in theory; excruciating in practice.”

Since you can’t avoid the holiday season, here are a few steps you can take to make them a little less painful:

  1.  Figure out where you need help during the holidays. One way to discover your trouble spots is to write a list of all the things you dread this time of year, even the little things. For each item on the list, write an opposite activity. For example: “I hate going to stores during the holidays. They are crowded and the traffic is awful; therefore, I will order my gifts on line.” Consult a friend or a therapist if you need help with alternative options.
  2.  Remember that the holiday season will end. The longest the holidays will last for most people is January 2nd. Depending on your circumstances, they could end sooner.
  3.  Listen to what you think and say about the holidays. Do you consciously or unconsciously dwell on your misery? We can make things feel much worse that they have to be, by going over and over how awful it will be.
  4.  Think about your expectations for the holiday season and write them down. Look at the language, and then rewrite those expectations to make them more realistic. Replace your dread with positive language reinforcing that your experiences will not be awful.
  5.  It may not feel like it, but you do have choices during the holiday season. It is perfectly acceptable to say no, even if others disagree with your decision. Make choices that focus on what you want to do, rather than on obligations that could be real or imagined.
  6.  In situations where you feel you have no choice, limit your time. If family parties are difficult, keep moving and don’t spend a lot of time with one person. If you get in a difficult conversation, change the subject. Consider excusing yourself to the restroom. It is a great way to exit a conversation or situation, and have some socially acceptable alone time. Ask a friend to be on-call so you can make a quick connection with someone who supports you.
  7.  Is excess food and drink a problem? A glass filled with soda, soda water, or sparkling cider can be a good decoy for those who push you to drink alcohol. If you want to avoid overindulging in alcohol, drink a nonalcoholic beverage after each cocktail. That will slow your consumption of alcohol. Over eating can be treated the same way. Eating very slowly not only helps you limit your food, it also keeps food on your plate so no one pushes seconds. While eating, be sure to have a beverage on hand. It will slow your eating and help you feel full. Try putting your fork down between bites to stay aware of how much you are eating.
  8. Develop plans that you enjoy with people you enjoy. Look for activities that take you and your friends away from the holiday hype.
  9.  Last but not least, find some humor in these holiday experiences that you dread. YouTube is a great resource for humorous material. Watch funny holiday movies. Or pick up a humorous book, such as The Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris. It is the story of his adventures working as Santa’s elf. Again, consult friends or a therapist to brainstorm options.

If you are having difficulty dealing with the holidays and finding it hard to find choices which will help you feel better, I can help. As a woman I work with said, “I no longer dread the holidays. I know what I enjoy during this time and I concentrate on that.” Call me at: 919-881-2001.

Dale Earnhardt, Junior: Seeking The Intimidator’s Approval

Normally, I don’t follow NASCAR, however, a man with whom I work recently showed me an article on NBC SportsWorld about Dale Earnhardt Junior. As I read, what struck me the most was how this famous father-son pair experienced the same struggles as so many fathers and sons: a son’s love for his father, and the lifelong yearning for love and approval that the father does not give.

In the article, Dale Earnhardt Junior opens up about his relationship with his father. Dale Earnhardt Senior. left when he was 3 years old. Dale Junior would watch his father race on TV and reenact what he saw with his Matchbox Cars. His father did not notice.

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MALEFICENT: Not Your Typical Sleeping Beauty Story

Not your typical Sleeping Beauty

Not your typical Sleeping Beauty

The first known version of Sleeping Beauty was written in the 1300s. Walt Disney’s animated version brought the story to the general public in the 1950s, introducing us to the princess, Aurora, and the evil fairy, Maleficent. The movie Maleficent reinvents the classic tale by giving Maleficent a history. She is not simply a slighted fairy but a woman betrayed, robbed, and brokenhearted. It is the story of what drives her to the dark side; a story of love turned to bitterness, hatred, and revenge.

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The Importance of the First Phone Call

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It may not seem like much is happening when you make your first phone call as you are searching for a therapist, but it is actually a very important step toward feeling better. Of course, without that first call you cannot start therapy, but it is deeper than that. It is a step to empower yourself, one of the most important parts of the process of moving toward a more satisfying life. In the midst of your struggles you have the strength and courage to take action. You are admitting to yourself that you need help and acknowledge there is help to be had. Admitting or asking for help may feel like an action of desperation, which is even more reason to see it as an act of strength and hope.

In the initial conversation, even if it is only to book an appointment, you will learn about the person to whom you are talking. You will be able to tell if this is a person you want to talk to by
the tone of their voice and the way they talk to you.

If you need to ask questions, you will make some conscious and unconscious evaluations. Do you like his or her voice? Do they sound interested in what you are saying. Does it feel like they
have time or will make some time to listen to you in an attentive manner?

Therapy does not begin at this point, but a caring connection can begin. When you get off the phone do you feel you have talked to someone who is professional and warm at the same time? This first call can set the stage for what working with this person will be like.

When I have first contact with you on the phone, I will ask you if you have any questions. If you chose to have a free 15 minute consultation, I will ask you to briefly describe what brings you to
therapy at this time in your life. As you describe what is troubling you I can get a better idea if I am good fit for you and your situation, and you will get an idea if I might be a good fit for you.

What seems like a simple phone call to get information and make an appointment is filled with important information and experiences. Take the first step and reach out.