We become who we are through relationships. Our early relationships shape and mold our internal maps of who we are, what we believe about other people and our expectations. These maps are largely unconscious until they begin to emerge in our important relationships.
Maps to guide us
These maps and the patterns they contain are acted out dramatically in our romantic relationships, but they also play out in less intense ways in all our relationships: with friends, with co-workers, even with children.
We are taught what love means in these early relationships. Those lessons become our “conditions for loving.” They come from how we were treated, how people talked to us, and how people talked about us in those early years. They are the patterns necessary for us to feel loved.
These conditions will determine who we love and who we choose to be within relationships, both romantic and platonic. Everyone has conditions for loving
Have you ever had a week, day or weekend like this: extra meetings, extra activities and a weekend trip to plan? You keep thinking you will get that piece of work that is due, done after you finish this one task. Unfortunately, “after” did not happen.
Holidays may be a great time to see family and friends. They are also a time when we return to old patterns and behaviors. When we go back “home,” we revert to the relationships we had growing up, instead of acting as the grownups that we now are. These are the same relationships and patterns that formed our views of ourselves and our outlooks on life. Along with this, unconscious conflicts may come to the surface, which will cause us to end up in a three-sided behavior pattern.
An internal safe place is a tool that you can create to help you manage stress and the busyness of life. It is a place in your head where you can retreat to take your attention away from the feelings you are having in the present moment. It is all yours, designed by you to be safe, soothing and calm.
We often read fiction as a form of escape, but I recently read a novel that was both entertaining and enlightening. Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel speaks to choices we make in life and the impact they have.