Last week, we looked at 11 rules commonly found in families where any variety of dysfunction exists, including Adult Children of Alcoholics. Those rules are often formed before a child is aware that they exist. They remain unconscious and powerful directives in our lives well into adulthood.
This week, we want to talk about 12 ways these rules manifest in our adult behaviors.
In the early 1900’s Freud and his colleagues were developing new and radical ideas about the psychological makeup of humans. It may not seem so today, but their ideas on love were on target.
They theorized what we believe about love is based on our early experience with our main caretakers. Freud and his colleagues said these early events determine, on an unconscious level, what we experience as love.
In the last post, we started talking about templates and how they can run our lives. Templates rarely work alone; often they work in pairs or more, controlling our lives at multiple levels at once.
For example, a man came to therapy because he could not find a partner. Dating relationships began well, but ended in disappointment. No one worked out for him. The first template we found was one that sent him in constant pursuit of unsuccessful relationships. As we continued to look at his actions, we uncovered a deep-seated fear of closeness. The second-layer template was what I call, “running from Ms. Right.” When he would enter a relationship and begin to get close to another person, he would find things which disappointed him, or he would become be a disappointment himself. The top template says “I want love and closeness in my life.” The hidden template – the controlling template – says, “Closeness is dangerous. If you let anyone in, you will be hurt.”
Another example can be found in the case of a woman in a new relationship. As it progresses, she finds the man not available enough, and she begins to talk about leaving. In a threatening tone she says, “I can cut this off and never look back”. Her hidden template said “men always leave.” She had a deep fear of being abandoned, and had unconsciously adopted the motto, “leave before being left.”
These examples show that templates can be very tricky, because what you see is not what you get. The top template exists to hide the deeper template. While they work together to protect us, we live by both templates without knowing what motivates our behavior. When the man in our example felt lonely, the top template motivated him to seek out a partner. When he began to feel close to that person, the second template activates to protect him from emotional pain. This pairing of templates works such that he will always be with the wrong person, either because he chooses poorly, or because he sabotages the relationships with promise.
What do we do with these tricky templates and the messages they give us? One of the best starting points is to listen to yourself. Start questioning your role in creating the life you have, and creating the messes in which you may find yourself. Are you having the same experience over and over again? Then that part of your life is likely being run by a template
Sorting your templates is a complicated process. It is possible to do this with the help of trusted friends and loved ones; however, it will not be easy. A mindful lifestyle and journaling will contribute to this process. Many times, the help of a professional will be needed. I have worked with many people to learn about their templates and helped them begin to live consciously. Call me at: 919-881-2001, if you would like some help.
Disappointment is a difficult emotion. It can step in and ruin any experience. You are having a good day, something happens where your expectations are not met, and boom! Disappointment sets in, and the experience is ruined.
In May of this year Maya Angelou died at the age of 86. She was a wise and respected woman, who grew beyond her abusive childhood and used her early experiences to help others.
At 16, she became the first black female streetcar conductor in San Francisco. Over the next 24 years, she worked as a calypso singer, waitress, dancer, actress, prostitute, and a madam. She began her journey to become the woman most of us knew – the writer, poet, and speaker at President Clinton’s inauguration – when she wrote her first book I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings at the age of 40 .