Perfectionism is developed early in life by children living in a family where their needs are not adequately met (Bad in Good World). Because of the early genesis, people do not realize that they are a perfectionist. They are astonished when a friend, family member, or co-worker points it out. Their usual response is, “How can you think I am a perfectionist, when I never get anything perfect?”
Tag: children
I Feel Like a Child in an Adult Body
This is a dilemma that many adults face. As an adult they may have responsible jobs, but their personal lives may be a mess. Bills do not get paid on time, even when there is money to pay them. Houses are not kept clean, diets are unhealthy, and many eat like a 12-year-old. Health is neglected, hygiene is hard, and only done when necessary. Self-care is an unknown concept. They have difficult developing close, long term relationships.
Often these adults are confused by their own behavior. “I can’t make myself do the things I want and need to do.”
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No, Nope, Nada: Is no a Bad Word?
“No” is an important and powerful word. Its primary uses are for protection and self-care. Adults are quick to use it to protect a child, but many people don’t know how to use it to protect themselves and their relationships.
Many people are taught that they must say “Yes” and that “No” is not an acceptable answer to anything. They do not learn the essential skills of knowing when and how to say “no.
Think about this scenario for a moment: A young woman and I were talking, and she said “I say yes (to things) because I feel like an asshole if I say no. Then I go and do it, and I don’t want to be there. I think about the things I want to be doing instead. Then I feel like a bad friend because I am having these negative thoughts and feelings.”
By saying yes when she wanted to say no, she gives her Harsh Inner Critic an opportunity to criticize her. The situation becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when her unhappiness shows in her behavior and she judges herself as being an asshole or a bad friend.
When you allow yourself to say “No,” you have an opportunity to grow. You can feel strong, and proud of the way you are taking care of yourself. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to determine whether the right answer in your situation, is “no”:
1.”How am I feeling?” A good way to determine whether to say yes or no is how you feel when you are asked. Do you feel happy and excited, or stressed and angry?
2.”Am I saying yes because I feel obligated, guilty, afraid?”
3.”What will I be sacrificing to say yes?” Do I have the time available to do what is being asked of me?
4.What will I have to give up that I want to do? Would saying yes cause me to feel deprived?
5.”What are the consequences of saying no?”
6.”If I say yes, will I end up creating distance in the relationship?” When you are feeling grumpy or angry, not only will you distance yourself, the other person will feel your unexpressed emotions and will also withdraw, perhaps without realizing it. For example: “The other night my sister and I were going to go out and have fun. I told my boyfriend and he wanted me to join him and his friends. I felt caught between two people I love. When I told my sister she got mad. I ended up staying home because I felt so bad and mad. I couldn’t please anyone, not even myself.”
7.Is there a way to say yes and feel good about it? Would it be possible to limit the time spend fulfilling the request?
As you think through these questions, the answers that are best for you often become clear. Also, you can try writing the answers down and discussing them with a close friend for added clarity. If not, make the best choice you can and be gentle with yourself as you grow.
Next week, we will talk about different ways to say “no.”
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Dale Earnhardt, Junior: Seeking The Intimidator’s Approval
Normally, I don’t follow NASCAR, however, a man with whom I work recently showed me an article on NBC SportsWorld about Dale Earnhardt Junior. As I read, what struck me the most was how this famous father-son pair experienced the same struggles as so many fathers and sons: a son’s love for his father, and the lifelong yearning for love and approval that the father does not give.
In the article, Dale Earnhardt Junior opens up about his relationship with his father. Dale Earnhardt Senior. left when he was 3 years old. Dale Junior would watch his father race on TV and reenact what he saw with his Matchbox Cars. His father did not notice.
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Better to be Bad in a Good World Than Good in a Bad World
Current cinema is flooded with movies about the “end of the world.” A catastrophic event occurs, the world as we know it is destroyed, and there a few “good” survivors left to face the “bad” faction who brought about the situation. This establishes a terrifying scenario in which the few people who are left must hide and struggle to survive, facing deprivation and helplessness. The world they now live in is, at best, empty of resources and, at worst, hostile. Every day they must fight for their survival. They live with hopelessness and the very real possibility of annihilation.
This is an accurate metaphor for the experience of people who received inadequate parenting. Inadequate parenting can range from benign neglect (parents who wanted to care for their children, but for one reason or another were not capable), to outright abusive. Because a child depends upon the parent to survive, it is intolerable for him/her to know the parent is inadequate. It would
mean the child would not survive. Just like the survivors in the apocalypse movies, the child would be faced with certain annihilation.
In order to survive, the child interprets the parent’s inadequacies as being his or her fault, which makes that child view him or herself as “bad.” The annihilation anxiety turns into feelings of guilt because the child is “bad” for causing the parent discomfort. The child feels burdensome and inconvenient due to having normal human needs and wants.
From this guilt, internal messages and beliefs develop to help the child survive. Normal human need for love, nurture and caring-contact are labeled as “bad.” From this experience negative messages develop about who the child is. Messages in the child’s mind could take such forms as, “I am wrong, not good enough, lazy, and stupid, unlovable; I don’t deserve to be happy or successful.”
We carry these messages with us into adulthood, which is far past their usefulness. Those thoughts define who we are, and tell us that our motivations and actions are bad. We carry inside of us intense internal criticisms that are so old and deeply ingrained that we no longer consciously hear the critical voice, yet still act upon the messages it sends.
Together in therapy, we will deconstruct these internal beliefs so you can move forward in life and begin to feel better. Our first job is to help you hear your internal dialogue. As we discover more about you, we will come to understand these beliefs and how they developed. Eventually, you will learn to stand up to these self-criticisms and create new, more positive messages.