Anxiety: a Tool to Help You Disengage

anxiety; A Tool to Disengage

Anxiety is something that has become all too common in our modern world, and is something many of us do not enjoy. Can you think of anyone who appreciates the dread and worry that comes from paying extra attention to an uncomfortable situation? For some people, it can even have a physical element, from headaches and upset stomachs to all out panic attacks.

Disengaging from the discomfort of anxiety can be as simple as breathing, when you know  what you need to do and when. First, we have to know a few things about feelings. Feelings are also called emotions…energy in motion.

All emotions trigger in the same way:

An event occurs;

  1.  There is a physical response;
  2.  You process the event in your thoughts;
  3.  There is an evaluation of the meaning of the event.

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8 Qualities of Mindfulness

8 qualities of mindfulnessFrequently, we talk about mindfulness as a way to stop living on auto-pilot by paying attention to your life and making intentional decisions. Mindfulness is a way to tap into your internal resources so you can use them to reduce stress and conflict.

Sounds good, but how do you get there?  Here are some key concepts which can help you develop an attitude of mindfulness in your everyday living. Continue reading

Patterns, Maps and Finding Your Way In Relationships

Patterns, Maps and Finding Your Way In RelationshipsWe become who we are through relationships. Our early relationships shape and mold our internal maps of who we are, what we believe about other people and our expectations. These maps are largely unconscious until they begin to emerge in our important relationships.

Maps to guide us

These maps and the patterns they contain are acted out dramatically in our romantic relationships, but they also play out in less intense ways in all our relationships: with friends, with co-workers, even with children.

We are taught what love means in these early relationships. Those lessons become our “conditions for loving.” They come from how we were treated, how people talked to us, and how people talked about us in those early years.  They are the patterns necessary for us to feel loved.

These conditions will determine who we love and who we choose to be within relationships, both romantic and platonic. Everyone has conditions for loving

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Expectations and Patterns in Relationship

Expectations and patterns: relationshipWhat Does Love Have to do With it?

In last week’s blog,  we talked about  memories, feelings or thoughts from the past being activated in present experiences and relationships. When this happens, we will feel and think in ways that are influenced by previous events. This dynamic  can be seen in romantic relationships

You meet someone and from the first moment, they feel just right. They seem to know what you are thinking before you speak. You have shared interests and similar backgrounds. You feel comfortable with him or her from the beginning  and feel comfortable telling them anything.

Fast forward six months, a year, even ten years, and that same person has become someone whom you both love and hate. It’s as if you can’t live with him or her, yet you can’t live without that person either.  He or she irritates you almost every time they speak.  You don’t feel that person understands you any longer and you sure don’t understand him or her.

The meaningful talk has stopped. You do small talk, you argue, or you don’t talk at all.

You wonder what happened in the relationship; did the other person change or did you? Continue reading

Expectations and Patterns

Expectations and patternsHave you ever asked yourself, ”What was I thinking?” after saying or doing something?  Or made a decision, then wondered if you had lost your mind?  Have there been times when your feelings about someone else’s actions or words confused you? Have you ever found yourself in a friendship or romantic relationship, and after a few weeks ask yourself what you ever saw in that person?

In each of these examples, decisions, feelings, or thoughts that seemed fine in the moment made no sense in hindsight.  Today, we will look as a possible reason why.

Neuroscience

Advances in neuroscience are beginning to offer scientific proof of what psychotherapists have believed all along: memories, feelings or thoughts from the past get activated in present experiences and relationships. When this happens, we will feel and think in ways that are influenced by previous events. Continue reading