Expectations and Patterns

Expectations and patternsHave you ever asked yourself, ”What was I thinking?” after saying or doing something?  Or made a decision, then wondered if you had lost your mind?  Have there been times when your feelings about someone else’s actions or words confused you? Have you ever found yourself in a friendship or romantic relationship, and after a few weeks ask yourself what you ever saw in that person?

In each of these examples, decisions, feelings, or thoughts that seemed fine in the moment made no sense in hindsight.  Today, we will look as a possible reason why.

Neuroscience

Advances in neuroscience are beginning to offer scientific proof of what psychotherapists have believed all along: memories, feelings or thoughts from the past get activated in present experiences and relationships. When this happens, we will feel and think in ways that are influenced by previous events.

New methods for mapping the brain show that experiences from your past are encoded and stored. We all have neural pathways that memories, feelings and thoughts have traveled since they were stored from childhood experiences. These stored memories and feelings will get activated in your present life.

Patterns and expectations

In childhood, we all have experiences that cause pain and disappointment. Out of these experiences, we learn about ourselves. Meaning is assigned to these events, such as “I am bad”, “unlovable”, “stupid” and so on.  Patterns of belief and behavior develop.

Throughout our lives, these patterns are reinforced through experiences.

We also develop expectations about how we will be treated. This becomes our normal. On an unconscious level, we will behave and relate to others in ways that will create outcomes that live up to our expectations.

As adults, these frequently traveled neural pathways are easily activated. That draws us into circumstances that are similar to what we experienced in childhood. We then interpret events within the context created by our past beliefs and experiences in order to keep the patterns going.

RULES FOR LIVING

These patterns and expectations help us develop our rules and beliefs about how to live and present ourselves. On an unconscious level, we are able to predict how we believe life will proceed. We know how we will be treated and how to respond.

Unfortunately, because these pathways are so easily activated, we will be drawn into similar situations that, “feel right” when what they actually are is familiar. Because of the repeating patterns, there are few positive alternative outcomes, and when they do occur, we are suspicious and distrustful. We are drawn to and interpret events that will reinforce what we believe is normal.

CHANGE CAN HAPPEN

In therapy, the questions “What was I thinking? Have I lost my mind?” are addressed in a way to find out what happened in those moments. With curiosity, we examine events that occur in your life that you find uncomfortable in order to discover the hidden patterns in your life.

As you examine your life, you will become free to make choices about how you want to live. You will be able to learn new ways to respond to experiences and new interpretations of the interactions you have with others. This will lead to positive experiences with new outcomes.

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