In the previous post,we asked the question,”Do you know your true self?” Today, let’s take a closer look at what the false self is, and how it develops.
As human beings, we need a witness: a person to see what we do and feel, and to reflect back to us. That enables us to put words to our experiences, making it possible to give meaning to our lives. As we mature, the external witness is incorporated into the self, creating the ability to give meaning from the inside. Continue reading
Perfectionism is developed early in life by children living in a family where their needs are not adequately met (Bad in Good World). Because of the early genesis, people do not realize that they are a perfectionist. They are astonished when a friend, family member, or co-worker points it out. Their usual response is, “How can you think I am a perfectionist, when I never get anything perfect?”
Do you spend time thinking about how to make friends and how to get others to like you? Do you think about how to like yourself, or even how to be your own best friend?
When you like yourself, then the Harsh Inner Critic has less power over how you feel. You have more strength to fight back against the negative messages we all have inside. When you feel like a good friend to yourself, then you can recognize when the Internal Drama starts. Being your own best friend makes it possible to turn the negative thoughts and beliefs into the positive. This will increase your happiness.
The same techniques that can be used to make others like you can be used to help you learn to like yourself.
Last week, we looked at 11 rules commonly found in families where any variety of dysfunction exists, including Adult Children of Alcoholics. Those rules are often formed before a child is aware that they exist. They remain unconscious and powerful directives in our lives well into adulthood.
This week, we want to talk about 12 ways these rules manifest in our adult behaviors.
Feelings are essential to our lives and well-being, because they give us information about what is going on around us and inside of us. We learn from an early age that there are acceptable feelings and unacceptable feelings. Many families have only one or maybe two feelings that are understood and accepted by its members.
For example: a child grows up in a family where the only acceptable feelings are sadness or depression. When someone expresses joy and excitement, (s)he is met by a lack of enthusiasm, perhaps is even told to “calm down.” Children in this family quickly learn that excitement, joy, and enthusiasm are unacceptable.