We become who we are through relationships. Our early relationships shape and mold our internal maps of who we are, what we believe about other people and our expectations. These maps are largely unconscious until they begin to emerge in our important relationships.
Maps to guide us
These maps and the patterns they contain are acted out dramatically in our romantic relationships, but they also play out in less intense ways in all our relationships: with friends, with co-workers, even with children.
We are taught what love means in these early relationships. Those lessons become our “conditions for loving.” They come from how we were treated, how people talked to us, and how people talked about us in those early years. They are the patterns necessary for us to feel loved.
These conditions will determine who we love and who we choose to be within relationships, both romantic and platonic. Everyone has conditions for loving
What Does Love Have to do With it?
Have you ever asked yourself, ”What was I thinking?” after saying or doing something? Or made a decision, then wondered if you had lost your mind? Have there been times when your feelings about someone else’s actions or words confused you? Have you ever found yourself in a friendship or romantic relationship, and after a few weeks ask yourself what you ever saw in that person?
The man came into my office and told me he was here to be “fixed”. He told me he had an anger problem and needed someone to help him get rid of it.
Ever have that feeling that something is a little bit off in the way you’re taking on life?