While walking on a windy winter beach on Valentine’s Day, a depressed man who is feeling hopeless, meets a quirky woman. He is afraid of contact and talking; she appears to be full of life, enthusiasm and a longing for adventure.
She makes overtures of friendship and he responds. Thus, begins the relationship between Joel and Clementine in the movie The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Beginning and endings
The relationship develops with a mixture of fear, hesitance, flamboyant behavior and wild adventures. Later in the movie, it ends with him being critical and her being bored and feeling trapped.Not an unusual storyline, but the writers throw in an unexpected twist: Clementine decides to have the memories of him erased from her mind. In the movie, technology exists that can map the brain. The map is used to target specific memories and erase them. Joel goes to Clementine’s workplace to talk to her and she has no idea who he is. All memory associated with him is gone.
The relationship develops with a mixture of fear, hesitance, flamboyant behavior and wild adventures. Later in the movie, it ends with him being critical and her being bored and feeling trapped.Not an unusual storyline, but the writers throw in an unexpected twist: Clementine decides to have the memories of him erased from her mind. In the movie,
The Twist
Not an unusual storyline, but the writers throw in an unexpected twist: Clementine decides to have the memories of him erased from her mind. In the movie, technology exists that can map the brain. The map is used to target specific memories and erase them. Joel goes to Clementine’s workplace to talk to her and she has no idea who he is. All memory associated with him is gone.
Joel in turn, decides to have his memories erased in response, but as he begins to experience the loss of the memories of Clementine, he does not want them to go. Joel begins to fight to keep his memories.
Why might he want to keep his memories of her? We have all had the experience of a memory so painful that we want it to go away. But at what cost? The cost of all your memories associated with that person? Would it really be worth it?
Joel decides it is not worth the cost. He decides that the good memories are worth hanging onto at the cost of keeping the pain. Unfortunately, the process has begun and cannot be stopped, no matter how hard he tries.
Why are Memories Important?
What we know is that our memories make us who we are. Each one is important and brings with them a piece of us. They help us define who we are, giving us the opportunity and information to grow.
The problems with memories come when we are not able to talk about them, find meaning in them and finally find a place in the framework of our lives to store them.
It is the memory that keeps going around and around in our head that causes us problems. After the breakup, Joel ruminates on the relationship and the breakup. We do not know if he has not had time to grieve the relationship and move on, or if he was living in denial that it is over.
Remembering Well
As I discussed last week, it is necessary to grieve our losses. That allows us to store memories in such a way that we can “remember well” by looking at the past, feeling the joy and accepting the pain.
As I discussed last week, it is necessary to grieve our losses. That allows us to store memories in such a way that we can “remember well” by looking at the past, feeling the joy and accepting the pain.
At the end of the film, we learn that Joel and Clementine did not meet on a winter beach, but a summer beach with friends around. The first scene is actually their second meeting, arranged by Clementine just before the last memories were erased. It’s the same place, but are they different after erasing their memories? Are they any wiser?
Second Chance?
Spoiler alert, but now we will fast-forward to the final scene of the movie. Clementine resists the idea of trying again, saying, “You will find fault with me and I will get restless and feel trapped. It happens every time.”
Spoiler alert, but now we will fast-forward to the final scene of the movie. Clementine resists the idea of trying again, saying, “You will find fault with me and I will get restless and feel trapped. It happens every time.”
patterns
It is true that we have patterns we act out in relationships. We will repeat them over and over until we change. We keep hoping that when we are with the right person the patterns will not emerge. Certainly there may be someone easier to be with, but the pattern will still surface.
As they start over, can Joel and Clementine reclaim their memories and use them to forge a different relationship where problems can be worked out? We will never get the answer to that question, but we can answer it for ourselves. With help, we can use the memory of past experiences to learn and grow. With that knowledge and growth, we can change how we relate to others.
Do you want to change the way you relate to others, but are having a difficult time with it? I can help you use your memories to learn, grow and change. Call me: (919)881-2001.
