In my last blog I talked about the definition of co-dependent and co-dependency. This week I want to talk about some of the characteristics of co-dependents and their behaviors.

1. Everything related to feelings is difficult.
   A co-dependent has a hard time identifying what they are feeling. They usually know what their partner and everyone else is feeling and determines their feelings accordingly.
2. Feeling good about themselves comes from others liking them.
   When they don’t have approval from others, their Harsh Inner Critic tells them they are not wanted.
3. Their mental attention is focused outside of themselves.
   It is focused on pleasing others and protecting others. If they can do something for another person and be recognized for it they will feel good.
4. Fear controls and motivates them.
   The fear of anger and rejection determines what they say and how they act. They don’t have personal opinions, only opinions designed to please others.

There are two basic types of co-dependents. One type chooses people around whom they can center their lives.

5. They give in order to feel safe.
   If I give enough, you will like me and not be unhappy,” is the rule by which they live.
6. They put aside what they like to please others.
   They spend their time doing what others like. Soon they have forgotten what their own interests are.
7. They base their values on what others think.
   They will compromise themselves in order to connect with others.

The second type of co-dependent – The Controller – surrounds themselves with people who will adore them.

8. Sponge, not mirror.
   Rather than focus on others, they want all focus to be on themselves. They will manipulate others to do things “their way.”
9. They want to control how the people around them look and act.
   They see these people as a reflection of themselves. Therefore, it is important these people behave according to their standards.
10. Their quality of life is dependent on others.
    They believe their dreams can only be achieved if the focus of their attention acts in a certain way.

Co-dependents will sacrifice what little sense of self they have in order to be with others. That is where they find an identity. In most cases, co-dependents tend to gravitate to the opposite type of co-dependent. It is most severe when it is in the context of romance, but happens in all their relationships.