It is an understatement to say it hurts when you breakup. We have all felt it. Not only does it hurt, it turns your life upside down. In many cases, large parts of your routine must be rearranged, changed and rebuilt.
You go from being a couple or a family to being a partial family or just one person. Your routines change, activities change, and friends change. You may even have to find new living arrangements and/or new sources of income.
Breaking up is, indeed, hard to do.
The “moving on” process takes time and is better done if you pay attention to yourself and where you are in the process. If you find yourself having a hard time moving forward, letting go of your ex, and building your own life, it might be helpful to ask yourself some important questions. The answers can guide you to better understand yourself.
I encourage you to take the time to think through these questions and to write the answers down. Answers become much clearer, more detailed, and real when they are written.
Questions to ask yourself about the relationship
- Why are you so hurt? It may seem like an obvious question, but often we do not take the time to really listen to the answer. 2. What do you miss about your ex? Be specific. Hot sex? Cuddling? Extra income? A companion?3. What do you miss about your lifestyle with your ex? Did he or she add excitement to your life; did that person keep you from being lonely? 4. How did your ex treat you? Include the positive and the negative. 5. How did your ex irritate you? 6. What did you fight about? What did you agree upon? 7. What don’t you miss about the relationship?
As you consider these questions, take an inventory of how your life truly was. On a scale of 1-10, where 10 is completely happy, how happy were you in your relationship?
Now, take an INVENTORY of yourself.
- What are your weaknesses? This is not an opportunity to criticize yourself. It is simply identifying areas where you can grow. It could be something such as learning to go out to eat on your own. 2. What are your strengths? Things such as, “I am brave,” “I love to read,” or “I am a good friend”. 3. What do you want to learn? 4. What do you need to do to have a more independent lifestyle? 5. What do you need to do to learn to love yourself?
I knew a woman who decided to join a dating service. She worked on her profile for days and couldn’t get anywhere. Finally, she decided to interview some of her friends and ask them questions about herself.
After you have taken the time to answer these questions, interview your friends and see what they say. You are not alone in this journey of discovery and reinvention.
The last question is probably the most important:
Why do you keep longing for someone who does not want you?
the Pain is real
The feelings of pain and hurt are real; the longing you feel is real. There is a reason that you are having trouble letting go and moving forward.
This is an important part of who you are and has to be addressed. This part of you needs your love, care, and attention. It probably feels you do not deserve to be treated with loving kindness and as the special person you are.
These questions will help you identify this part of you, and if you listen carefully over time, you will learn a great deal about who you are and what you need.
As you learn about yourself and learn to love who you are, you will find that love will be reflected back to you by others.
Are you having difficulty answering these questions? I can help you clarify why it is so had to move forward. Call me at: (919)881-2001.